The Death of Greatness
By Brian Lanning
“Then Sun Ch’uan asked Lü Meng, saying, ‘If he fly to a distance, how can he be captured?’ ‘The divination exactly fits in with my schemes,’ replied he, ‘and though Kuan had wings to soar to the skies he would not escape my net.’” I’m reading in my living room on a comfortable rocking chair with my feet on a little footrest. I can smell the pages of the historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms; they have that nice “old book” smell like dried-out leaves in autumn. I’m reading about a chaotic time in China, and numerous characters and events, but I can find myself only thinking about Kuan Yu, the man that Sun Ch’uan and Lü Meng are plotting against. The great and invincible Kuan Yu, with his hundred-pound halberd and his long flowing beard, giving him the nick-name “Kuan Yu of the beard.” This is the end of the chapter, so I close the book and put it on the ledge next to me. I slouch down in my rocking chair, knowing full well that these two imps could never defeat the great Kuan Yu. “權問呂蒙曰：‘卦主敵人遠奔，卿以何策擒之？’蒙笑曰：‘卦象正合某之機也。關公雖有沖天之翼，飛不出吾羅網矣！’” 房廳裏的我，腳搭着小腳凳，坐在舒適的搖椅上讀書。這本歷史小說《三國演義》是那種很有韻味的“老書”，書頁裏散發着如同秋天裏風乾的樹葉的那種氣味。書裏講的是中國歷史上的一個亂世，人物和事件紛繁複雜，但我只鍾情於關羽——也就是這會兒孫權和呂蒙想要算計的那個人。無敵大英雄關羽，手使百磅大刀，手捻飄逸長鬚，人送綽號“美髯公”。我已經看到了這一回的結尾（嶽光寒按：應是七十六回《徐公明大戰沔水 關雲長敗走麥城》），於是把書合上，放在身旁的窗臺上，然後在搖椅上懶洋洋地坐着，料定這兩個龜孫永遠無法擊敗偉大的關羽。
After slouching comfortably for a minute or two I get up to walk around, and take some pacing steps around my living room. The warm carpet feels nice and relaxing on my socked-feet. I’m not pacing in anxiety or anything, just getting the blood flowing again. I’ve been in that chair reading for about an hour now and just felt like moving. I can hear the soothing sounds of the rain hitting the roof. I feel secure in this room. The room has this nice warm lighting, where it’s not too bright, nor too dark; that’s why I always do my reading in this room. “Maybe,” I think, “I’ll just read another chapter before going to bed.” I stretch my chest, and feel a nice, light pulling in the front of my shoulders. 這麼癱坐一兩分鐘後，我站起身，開始在客廳裏轉圈踱步。穿着襪子的腳踩在暖融融的地毯上感覺輕鬆愜意。我這麼走來走去纔不是因爲焦慮什麼的，只是想通通血脈。我已經在那把椅子上看了大概一小時書了，就想活動一下。在這屋裏能聽到雨水敲在屋頂上那讓人倍感閒適的聲音，我覺得很安心。房間裏有暖暖的燈光，光線不炫不暗，這也是爲什麼我總在這個房間裏看書。“要不我睡前會再看一回吧。” 這麼想着，我伸展了一下前胸，那種肩膀微微拉伸的感覺很不錯。
I return to the chair and ease into it, putting my feet back on the little footrest. I pick the book back up from the ledge, open it up and smell that sweet autumn fragrance emanating and lingering. “When Kuan Yu mustered his fighting men in the city, he had but three hundred, all told.” I let out a little chuckle. These would seem like dire straits to anyone who was not familiar with the hardships that the great Kuan Yu has overcome in his lifetime. This is the man that road out of a kingdom alone and had to slay six officers in order to escape. This is the man that knowingly went to a banquet designed to assassinate him, and walked out unscathed holding the host in the air. His enemies, the country of Wu, is led by Sun Ch’uan and his adviser Lü Meng. They have devised a ploy to make Kuan Yu’s entire troop defect to Wu. 我回到椅子順勢一坐，腳放回到小腳凳上，從窗臺上拿起書，打開，再次聞到那如同秋葉散發的縈繞不絕的香氣。“且說關公在麥城，計點馬步軍兵，止剩三百餘人......” 我不禁笑出了聲。 這對於那些不熟悉關羽一生克服過多少逆境的人來說似乎已經是山窮水盡了。然而這是一個爲了離開曹營不得不過五關斬六將才得以走脫的男人。 這是一個明知是鴻門宴還去赴宴，最後挾持主人全身而退的男人。而正與他敵對的是以孫權及其謀臣呂蒙爲首的吳國，他們謀劃了一個計策，想讓關羽全軍覆沒。
Their plans are working out fine for them, but I’m still comfortable in my chair knowing that Kuan Yu is worth a thousand soldiers. However, to hold a city you’ll need more men and resources than they have. They decide to retreat by a certain path leading out of the castle. “Wang Fu opposed it, pointing out that they would surely fall into an ambush. The main road would be safer. ‘There may be an ambush, but do I fear that?’ said the old warrior. Orders were given to be ready to march.” I lift my eyes from the page and smile. You have to love a great hero that knows that he’s a great hero. 計策進展還挺順利，但我依然端坐，因爲我知道關羽可以以一當千。但是守城的話這點兵力和糧草顯然不夠，於是他們決定在一條小路突圍。 “王甫諫曰：'小路有埋伏,可走大路。'公曰：‘雖有埋伏，吾何懼哉！’即下令馬步官軍嚴整裝束，準備出城。” 我擡起頭，目光離開書頁，笑了——這種自恃其勇的勇士你沒法不愛。
After a couple of laughs I continue my reading, and guess what, they’ve gotten ambushed. “Soon appeared a large force with Chu Jan at their head. He came dashing forward, and summoned the small party to surrender if they would save their lives. But Kuan Yu whipped his steed to a gallop and bore down on the leader with anger in his eyes. Then Chu Jan ran away.” “Smart man,” I think to myself. Another small fit of laughter escapes me. What is Wu thinking? You can’t capture or kill the great Kuan Yu, you can only hope that you’re not the one in his path. Lifting my eyes from the pages, I look at the light bulbs. 笑了幾聲之後，我繼續看，你猜怎的？果然中埋伏了。“一彪軍到，爲首大將朱然，驟馬挺槍叫曰：‘雲長休走！趁早投降，免得一死！’公大怒，拍馬輪刀來戰，朱然便走......” 我心想，還好這人夠聰明，跟着又笑了幾聲。吳軍想什麼呢？不論斬殺還是俘虜關公都是不可能的，能在他走脫時別螳臂當車就值得慶幸了。我擡眼看了看燈。
I love doing this in this room, because these light-bulbs don’t give me that “sun-spot” in the middle of my vision, so I just get the warm feelings that brightness give. I roll my shoulder in its socket just to stretch it out a little bit. I shift some in my seat because my legs are getting a little numb. Returning my eyes to the page, I’m trying to see if I was right about the lack of “sun-spot.” Yep, I’m right, no “sun-spot.” 我總愛這麼幹，因爲這燈不是會給我眼睛留下“太陽斑”的那種，這種亮度只會讓我感到溫暖。我轉了轉肩關節，伸展了一下，感到腿有點麻，所以在椅子上挪了下屁股。視線回到書上，想看看會不會有“太陽斑”。不錯，真的沒有。
Another ambush by another captain, and another captain flees from Kuan Yu. I start shaking my head thinking about the stupid persistence of Wu generals. Seriously, why would you engage someone in battle if you were just going to run away? “It doesn’t matter,” I say to myself, “just read.” “Presently the small party stumbled into another ambush, and the men thrust forth hooks and threw ropes. Entangled in these, Kuan Yu’s horse fell, and Kuan Yu reeled out of the saddle.” “This can’t be good,” is frantically repeating through my head. “In a moment he was a prisoner.” 又遇上另一員吳將的伏兵，然而他在關羽面前只有抱頭鼠竄的份。我開始搖頭，感覺吳軍將領執迷不悟。講真——既然知道打不過要跑，幹嘛還上去打？“沒事，看吧。” 我自言自語。“正走之間，一聲喊起，兩下伏兵盡出，長鉤套索，一齊並舉，先把關公坐下馬絆倒。關公翻身落馬……” 我心中連聲叫着“不妙”。“……被潘璋部將馬忠所獲。”
But at least he’s still alive. As long as the great Kuan Yu is alive, there is nothing to fear. I’ve noticed that my leg is twitching, and that nice comfortable warmth has turned into humid heat. I feel itchy all over. I start scratching my ears; they’re itching the worst. I pull my hat off and rub my hair, pulling the hat back over my head very tightly. The air is way too sticky, and I can’t seem to get a breath of fresh air. I cover my mouth with my left fist, and cough a little bit. 但至少他還活着！只要偉大的關羽還活着，就沒什麼好害怕的！我注意到我的腿在抽搐，之前融融的暖意變成了溼熱。我渾身發癢，開始撓耳朵，感覺耳朵癢得厲害。我脫下帽子搓頭髮，又把帽子拉回頭上，拉得很緊。空氣太粘了，我好像呼吸不到新鮮空氣，就用左拳擋住嘴，咳了一下。
Sitting up straight in the chair and staring fiercely at the pages I start reading quickly. The generals of Wu have brought Kuan Yu before Sun Ch’uan. Sun Ch’uan asks him to switch sides to Wu. “But Kuan Yu only answered roughly, ‘You green-eyed boy! You red-bearded rat!’” I’m thinking “Ahhh… this is where the great Kuan Yu is going to slaughter everybody in the room, whether he’s bound or not!” One of Sun Ch’uan’s generals says that evil will come if they spare Kuan Yu. “Sun Ch’uan reflected for some time. ‘You are right,’ said he presently, and gave the order for execution.” “This can’t be!” My mind is frantic; they’ve just executed the invincible Kuan Yu. His death was at the hands of men that combined couldn’t exist as the great Kuan Yu’s pinkie-finger. 我在椅子上正襟危坐，狠盯着書頁，翻看得更快了。吳軍衆將把關羽帶到了孫權面前。孫權讓他降吳。“關公厲聲罵曰：‘碧眼小兒，紫髯鼠輩！……’”我心想，啊啊啊……這裏應該是偉大的關羽要把這一屋子人都殺掉，就算被綁着也肯定能！孫權手下一將說若不馬上除掉，恐貽後患。“孫權沉吟半晌，曰： ‘斯言是也。’ 遂命推出。” “這不可能！” 我瘋了！他們剛剛處死了無敵戰神關羽！關羽居然死在幾個加起來都不敵他一個小指頭的鼠輩手裏！
I stand up in haste, throwing the book to the floor, shove my feet into my shoes without tying them, and then walk out into the rain. It’s pitch-dark outside. It’s cold. I look up and try to see the moon. There is no moon. There aren’t even any stars out tonight, just the rain. I’m looking around for some form of celestial light, but all that I can see is one flickering light bulb. How is this one light bulb going to brighten the darkness? 我倏地起身，把書扔到地上，腳伸進鞋子，鞋帶也沒系，就走進雨裏。外面漆黑一片，很冷。我擡起頭，想看看月色，卻沒有月亮。今晚連星星也沒有，只有雨。我四下望，想找到隨便什麼天體發出的光，但只能看到一個閃爍的燈泡。 一個燈泡如何照亮黑暗？
I’m shivering, I’m soaked, and I need a cigarette. I pull my pack out of my pocket and grab one. It’s been out of the box for like two-goddamn-seconds and it’s already wet. I’m looking down as I’m lighting it, cupping my hand around the lighter so that the wind and the rain don’t extinguish it. I can see the wet blacktop. The water passing over it is the blackest thing that I’ve ever seen. To me it seems like emptiness in motion, this black-liquid coming from nowhere, heading nowhere, and washing away whatever it can find. 我瑟瑟發抖，渾身溼透，想要點支菸。從口袋裏掏出煙盒，抽出一支。拿出來才兩秒鐘左右，已經特麼的溼了。我低頭打火，雙手護着打火機，以免被風雨吹熄。 我看到被雨打溼的瀝青，上面流過的水是我見過的最黑的東西。 對我來說，這似乎是流動着的虛無，這股黑色液體無來處亦無去處，只是把它遇到的一切都沖走。
I find that my imagination has been washed away. I’m trying to think. About Kuan Yu, about my life, about anything. Nothing is coming to mind. There is a black void where all of my fancies and aspirations of greatness used to fill. This is uncomfortable. For the past three-weeks my imagination has been running loose. Everything I’ve thought about or thought-up has been wild and epic; I was plotting world-domination schemes and ways to restore the chaotic order of great Kuan Yu’s time. 它沖掉了我的一切幻想。我開始反思——關於關羽，關於我的人生，關於一切。什麼都想不出來。我之前所有對於極致偉大的幻想和抱負都一直在填補一個黑色的虛空，這讓人極度不適。在過去的三週中，我一直沉浸在幻想裏。我曾經思量的、想到的一切都荒誕不經；我一直在想着怎麼一統天下，怎樣將關羽所處的亂世撥亂反正。
Now it feels like there is no point to having great fantasies, or to become great at all. The greatest hero this world has ever known met an ignoble end at the hands of inferior men. Reading about this man’s life had given me hope that greatness would resound through history. He’s in books, movies, and video games; but none of it matters. His life was washed away, leaving me feeling empty. The cigarette is done, the end is still glowing but there’s not much more to smoke. I drop it on the wet blacktop and hear the hiss of the embers being extinguished. The cigarette-butt starts washing away. There is a poem in this novel that keeps resounding in my head. Normally, I’d be able to visualize what it says, but now I can only remember the words and can’t see the dragon or the phoenix. “The dragon in a puddle is the sport of shrimps, the phoenix in a cage is mocked of small birds.” 現在感覺這種對於大英雄的幻想或成爲大英雄本身已經毫無意義。這個世界上最偉大的英雄落在一羣宵小手中得到了一個不光彩的結局。讀這個人的一生曾給我一種希望——這種的大英雄可以震古爍今。他存在於書上、電影裏、電子遊戲中；但沒用了。他的一生已被沖刷掉，令我倍感空虛。煙抽完了，菸頭仍在發光，但已燒不出什麼煙。我把它丟了，菸頭着地，可以聽見餘燼被撲滅的嘶嘶聲，菸屁股開始被沖走。這部書中的一首詩在我的腦海中迴盪。 之前我可以在腦海中構建出它的畫面，但現在我只記得字詞，卻看不到龍鳳。“淺水裏的龍是蝦的玩物，籠子裏的鳳凰被小鳥嘲弄（龍游淺水遭蝦戲，落坡鳳凰不如雞）。”