All The Damn Time

This challenge hit home for me in unexpected ways — mostly considering the timing of finding myself tagged.

I had just missed being with my daughter for the birth of her fourth child. I don’t miss births; it was painful not to be there to witness our little ray of Sunshine entering the world.

My mother went through an extremely painful gout episode. It got so bad we had to use a wheelchair for a couple of days until the medication kicked in. I am always heartbroken seeing my mother in pain.

This was followed by an episode of post-partum depression coupled with bipolar disorder, where my daughter’s healthcare providers bitterly failed her by delaying care and delaying prescription refills.

In the midst of it all, the father of my children passed away following a short battle with pancreatic cancer.

Ugh!

I haven’t published half of what was written during this time — let’s just say, there were a lot of different things flowing from my fingertips to the keyboard and onto the screen.

Oddly enough, on a different platform (Vocal) I was awarded with two Top Stories during this time. For some reason, I find that both weird and amusing. Does this mean I’m more on top of the game when I’m miserable and worried and sad? That doesn’t seem right.

Right or not, weird and amusing or not, it seems to be my way. When things are going well, I write. When things are not going well, I write MORE.

Writing is an escape, even on good days. Of course, the good days lead to more fiction stories. I love writing fiction; I have fun with it. For me, it is an enjoyable endeavor. I dabble in different genres, develop interesting (I hope) characters and put them through their paces.

The sad days are less likely to lead me to fiction, although I have several stories written in the midst of my grief over losing my father. I found it cathartic to create characters going through similar losses. It helped me process.

But I have found that writing through days when I am experiencing sadness or anger is more likely to lead to writing essays or melancholic poetry.

Writing through pain that produces something I can use can be a cleansing experience.

But…

I also indulge in what I call “The Bitch Fest”.

I don’t publish “The Bitch Fest”. I don’t even — usually — save it. I write it and delete it. It’s like yanking a bandage off a poorly healed wound — fast and furious. Get it all out, get it over with and get rid of the bloody evidence.

Way, way back in the day, I hand wrote it. I would write until my fingers could no longer grip the pen. As I said, fast and furious. I would read it over and agree with myself that I was a bad-ass angry bitch, and that all the injustice heaped upon me by an uncaring world, or an abusive spouse or whatever was going on was absolutely not fair and not my fault. I would nod enthusiastically over my suggestion that someone deserved a swift kick in the knee cap.

An then I would remove the pages from my notebook, rip them to shreds and dispose of them.

The bloody evidence: destroyed and removed forever.

I have to admit, the old way was better. More satisfying. I may have to resume hand-written bitching. Ripping the pains to shreds and tossing them in the recycle bin strongly appeals to me, and feels much more cathartic than hitting the delete button.

I’m not particularly vindictive in real life, but on paper — or computer screen — I have been known to rage against adversities, plot revenge against those who hurt me, and to use every expletive known to man. Woe unto those who hurt my family — Oh, the narratives I have invented, the ire I’ve unleashed.

Seriously, it’s a good thing I write. God help them if I actually faced them in person and let the words fly out of my mouth.

My writing has spared feelings. Possibly even a couple of lives.

Spoken words cannot be ripped to shreds or deleted. You can never take them back. And since I was advised as a child to never go to sleep angry, it was a way to get things off my chest without any consequences.

Anger doesn’t last — if you make an effort to let it go. Since I sincerely hate having to apologize, writing is a great way to get it out without regretting words I can never take back.

This is not to say that I haven’t spoken out in anger — I have. I’m sure at some point, I will do it again. But I don’t like myself much when I do, even when I know I am right and justified. It just makes me feel ashamed of myself.

As for the pain of sadness — writing my way through it helps me process things.

And the pain of helplessness: those times when I cannot fix the things that are going on — poor healthcare providers, mental or physical health issues of my mother or my children that I have no control over, or any other of the many problems my loved ones might be having — well, writing about those things at least gives me a way to focus on what I might be able to help with along the way, even if I can’t solve the issues.

Finally, the physical pain I daily endure includes arthritis in my wrists and fingers, so writing is literally a pain — ALWAYS. But I do it anyway. My hands need the exercise, for one thing. Also, my father had dementia, and I’m deathly afraid for my brain, so writing is an exercise for that, too.

Writing through pain — using it as a catalyst for subject matter, for catharsis, for healing — is how I get through my days. It keeps me relatively sane and enables me to keep doing the other things I have to do.

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