How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Style

Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be, it is without a doubt that our childhoods shaped us to a certain extent.

How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves are behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age when we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment. Marriage and family counselors, Dr. Milan and K. Yorkovich discovered that everyone has a certain lifestyle based on their upbringing.

A lifestyle is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations in how we respond to our romantic partners. But understanding how we live, we can learn how our lifestyles affect our relationships. Here are Dr. Milan and K. Yurkovich's five love styles.

1. The pleaser

The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent.

As children, pleasers just do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior to not provoke a negative response from their parents, pleaser children don’t receive comfort. Instead, they spend their time and energy giving comfort to the reactive parent.

Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly. They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimalize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations.

As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy.

However, when pleasers feel stressed or believe that they are continuously letting someone down they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.

Pleasers often spread themselves thin trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic. And instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves, they focus more on the needs and desires of others.

For pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their feelings, rather than trying to do what is expected of them.

2. The victim

The victim often grows up in a chaotic home.

Victims learn to be compliant to survive by putting less attention on themselves so they can stay under the radar. To deal with their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet because being fully present is painful for them.

Victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers they face on a daily basis.

Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents.

Victims learn to cope by being adaptable and going with the flow. They are so used to chaos in stressful situations that when they do experience calmness, it actually makes them feel uneasy because they anticipate the next blowup.

For victims to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they have to learn self-love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.

3. The controller

The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn’t a lot of protection so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves.

They need to feel in control at all times to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from being exposed in their adulthood. People with this lifestyle believe that they’re in control when they can avoid experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness.

Controllers, however, don’t associate anger with vulnerability, so they use it as a weapon to remain in power.

Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected. They prefer to solve problems on their own and like getting things done in a certain manner otherwise, they get angry.

For controllers to form stable, long-lasting relationships. They need to learn how to let go, trust others and keep their anger at bay.

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4. The vacillator

The vacillator often goes up with an unpredictable parent.

As children, vacillators learned that their needs aren’t their parents’ top priority. Without consistent affection from their parent, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment. But when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it.

As vacillators enter adulthood, they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children. Vacillators tend to idealize new relationships, but once they feel let down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful.

They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and know when people are pulling away.

For vacillators to cultivate healthy, stable relationships. They need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone before committing too soon and getting hurt by their expectations.

5. The Avoider

The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance.

As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties of having little to no comfort from their parents.

Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings.

For avoiders to cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships. They need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly.

Which lifestyle do you identify with? Please share your thoughts with us.

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