Lisa Miller on Depression & Spiritual Awakening: Two Sides of One Door
Lisa Miller博士TEDx演講：精神抑鬱與靈性覺醒——門裏門外的毗鄰世界
Lisa Miller, Ph.D. – Professor and Director of the Clinical Psychology Program
Lisa Miller博士簡介：哥倫比亞大學教授，臨牀心理學系主任
[譯者注：Lisa Miller博士創立了常春藤盟校的首個靈性心理學專業，設立“靈性身心學院（Spirituality Mind Body Institute）”，隸屬於哥倫比亞大學教育學院]
In the dark of the night, 4 a.m., I look over and my husband’s not there. I look further, and I find him flat on his back, looking at the ceiling, arms out. “Our lives are hollow and meaningless without children.”
某天凌晨4點，我醒來往身旁看了看——不見我先生。我擡眼往四周找，卻發現他攤開雙臂平躺在地上，呆望着天花板，感嘆道：“沒有孩子的生活，真是空洞又毫無意義。”
It had been two-and-a-half years of hopes and prayers and failed fertility treatments. No one had come. And the despair that ripped through our hearts woke us night after night — to the point where friends and family called just to see how we were doing. Because we so clearly were depressed.
兩年半以來，我們曾經歷過無數次空歡喜、做過無數次禱告，嘗試過一次又一次失敗的生育治療。卻始終懷不上寶寶。我們絕望到內傷，整夜整夜的失眠——以至於連家人朋友都看出我們很不妥，要打電話來試探：“你們怎樣了？”
As a clinical psychologist and scientist, I had been trained to see that depression is a disease. Much like cancer or diabetes, depression as a disease had symptoms of despair and isolation. And yet that simply did not explain the road we were traveling, nor did it explain the depression that follows loss of a spouse, miscarriage, trauma, or the natural transitions sophomore slump, mid-life crisis, portholes in passages — chapter breaks that seemed core to who we are — were not aberrant illnesses. They were not diseases.
我本身是一位臨牀心理學者，是科研人，此前受過的所有教育和訓練都教導我說：精神抑鬱是疾病的一種；既然是疾病就會有症狀——就好比癌症或糖尿病，而精神抑鬱的症狀是產生絕望感和孤獨感。然而，這套理論遠不足以解釋我和先生當時所經歷的種種，也不足以解釋人們在經歷諸如喪偶、流產、精神創傷後引發的絕望感，或者諸如“二年級生低潮症候羣”（譯者注：指在第一年表現優異的新人，到了第二年時因爲各種原因導致成績下滑的現象）、中年危機等，諸如此類我們人生中難以避免的低潮現象——這些現象並不反常，也不能稱之爲疾病。
And so my husband and I continued with each cycle ending in a disappointment that felt like a funeral. And as we continued down our road of trials, we started ever so gradually, over months and years to open our eyes from a dark and isolated place, quite alone, to a place where we started to hear the guidance of helpers and healers: the folks who, on the Appalachian Trail, through hikers called “trail angels” for bringing food and water when they need it most. Our trail angels brought what we needed most: wisdom and guidance.
繼續說我和我先生，我們接着做了一次又一次以失望告終的嘗試，而每一次失望都讓我們感覺像墜入世界末日。我們在這條磨鍊之路上堅持着，承受過數月、數年極度孤獨無助的黑暗之後，才漸漸睜開雙眼打開雙耳，開始發現身邊出現了一些能給我們提供幫助和療愈的人。就像那些沿着阿巴拉契亞國家步道長途跋涉的揹包客（譯者注：一條從美國緬因州中部穿越阿巴拉契亞山脈直達佐治亞州的步道，是美國最長的徒步旅行步道之一），在他們最缺水少食的時刻恰好有路人給他們遞上一杯水、分一點食物，這些好心人被稱爲“途中天使”。而我和先生的“途中天使”正是在我們最最需要的時刻給我們送來了：智慧與指引。
So one day I came home after yet another in vitro with the haunting feeling as I drove my car that this too was a failure. And sure enough, as I stepped to the door, the evidence was incontrovertible. A tiny dead duck embryo lay on my threshold. And I knew it was not possible the embryo in me was alive.
那天，我又一次做完試管嬰兒療程後開車回家，途中腦海裏一直有種揮之不去的預感，覺得這次療程仍然會失敗。回到家剛進門就看到一個確切無疑的跡象，心想這下沒有餘地了：我看到一隻死掉的小鴨仔胚胎橫躺在家裏門檻上。這時我知道，我肚子裏的寶寶也不可能有希望了。
And so I went to bed and had a long depressing nap to awake — (knocking sound) to a duck — the mama duck, who had lost her aspirational baby. And the mama duck was persistent. I thought what would the duck want with me. (knocking sound) She wanted to come towards me. And as I opened the door, I saw she had brought me a gift — the most precious thing in the world to her. She had brought me a plump, juicy worm. Mama duck and I, there we were, two aspirational mothers, not alone. Not alone because duck and I were side by side, and not alone because of the great force that brought duck.
我沮喪着躺到牀上休息。睡了好一會兒，迷糊中聽見“咔嗒咔嗒”的敲門聲，一看原來是隻鴨子——正是鴨麻麻，剛剛失去自己寶貝小鴨仔的鴨麻麻。鴨麻麻一直敲個不停，一副不肯罷休的樣子。我心想她到底要幹嘛呢，一直“咔嗒咔嗒”地敲門？原來她想要走近我。我起來打開門，看到她給我帶來了一個禮物——是一條圓鼓鼓的肥蟲子。這對她來說可是世上最珍貴的美物了。此情此景有兩位母親，同樣地渴望擁有小寶寶：鴨麻麻和我，我們並不孤單。我不再孤單，因爲那一刻鴨麻麻和我站在一起，更因爲有一股無形的力量把鴨麻麻帶到我面前。
And so, too, through that force came the guy on the bus. And the guy on the bus winked, leaned over, and said, “You seem like just that type of mother that would go all around the world adopting all types of kids,” opening up that new possibility.
同樣因爲這股力量，讓我在巴士上遇到這樣一個男人。這個傢伙朝我眨了眨眼，湊上前對我說：“你看起來像那種就算找遍全世界，踏破鐵鞋也要領養到小孩的母親。”正是這句話，點醒我還有別的機會。
Listening to the helpers and healers opened my awareness, so that the next time I was woken in the night was not by the rip of depression, but by a great and clearly sacred presence — a presence with a love so great and a gravitas that I sat up.
通過接收這些前來提供幫助和療愈的存有們給我的指引，喚醒了我的覺知。自此以後，我若在半夜醒來，已不再是因爲抑鬱而失眠，而是因爲鏈接到一種強大而聖潔的存有，一種充滿大愛與莊嚴的存有。
And the presence said, “If you were pregnant, would you adopt?”
這個存有問我：“如果你現在成功懷孕，你還會考慮領養嗎？”
And I said something so awesome and great: the truth, which was, “No”. But I also knew that this journey was more than a disease, and that this depression was opening the door on a path of “becoming” – a spiritual path.
我的回答是“不會”：這個回答簡直太棒，因爲這就是我的真實想法。但同時我也知道，此前經歷的種種絕不是“生了一場病”，它引發的抑鬱感恰恰爲我打開了一扇門，一扇“成爲我所是”的門，通往一條靈性之路。
Continuing down this path, I wanted that baby. It was great that I was on a spiritual path, but I wanted that baby. And so we didn’t quit. Up and down the East Coast to the best IVF labs in the country. We went so far as to find the team that invented IVF, and sitting there in solidarity on bed rest with my spouse, we found that the remote was stuck in our hotel room on one channel — one interminable documentary, four hours (laughter) of a little boy — a little boy who stood in a garbage dump alone, and said, “I don’t care that I’m poor. I don’t care that I can’t go to school. But it hurts so much to not be loved that I sniff glue to make the pain go away.”
儘管如此，我還是想要一個寶寶。我是走上了靈性之路沒錯，這很好，可我還是想要一個寶寶。（譯者注：Lisa這裏的意思是走上靈性道路的人會跟隨內心最真實的想法去做選擇，她最真實的想法是如果成功懷孕了就不會去領養；但當時懷寶寶的事仍然沒有眉目，所以還是忍不住要去領養。）我和先生仍不死心，我們找遍了整個東海岸，找到全美最頂尖的試管嬰兒實驗室，甚至找到了發明試管嬰兒技術的團隊。當我和先生同坐休息時，發現房裏的電視換不了臺只能播一個頻道，當時播放着一個冗長的紀錄片——時長4個小時（笑聲）。畫面裏，一個小男孩孤零零地站在垃圾堆旁，他說：“我很窮，我無所謂。我上不了學，這我也無所謂。最讓我難受的是沒有人疼愛我。太痛苦了，我只能通過嗅膠來減輕痛苦。”（譯者注：嗅膠是一種吸入性的刺激神經的方式，膠水的粘合劑中含有令人陶醉的煙霧……）
And lying there in our multiple rounds of IVF, my husband and I looked at each other. And he said it first. We knew there was a child out there for us. We made our way to a wise woman and hovered around her table, the daughter of a once clergyman. She looked at us and said, “Frankly, what is it that you are looking for in your child?”
接着，躺在病牀上等着做新一輪試管嬰兒療程時，我和先生彼此對望了一眼。還是他先開口了：我們知道的，一定有個孩子在某處等着我們。於是，我們拜訪了一位民間女巫醫，她是退休神職人員的女兒。我們在診桌前徘徊，她見狀問道：“坦白說，你們倆想要一個怎樣的寶寶呢？”
And I leaned in and said, “Well, I don’t care if this is a boy or a girl. I don’t care what race this child is. Just please, a child who can love.”
我湊上前答道：“呃，其實男孩女孩都沒關係，我也不在乎孩子是什麼人種。我只想要一個能讓我去付出愛的寶寶。”
And my husband jumped in and he said, “Well yes, all that, but kind of a girl.” (Laughter)
這時我先生髮話了，他說：“呃，這倒沒錯，不過最好是個女孩吧。”（笑聲）
What we knew in common was that the voice that said you will never be parents, the voice that came from being alone in darkness was now a voice that said parenting is love. It hurts so much to not be loved. All he wanted was a mom, all I wanted was a child. What would have made us family was love. Parenting was love.
但有一點我和先生的認知一致，也就是：當我們還在孤獨的暗夜徘徊時，那個在腦子裏叫嚷着“你們永遠沒有機會做父母”的聲音，在那一刻轉變成另一種聲音。這個聲音說道——“爲人父母，就是去愛。”不能被愛，是多痛苦的一件事啊。（那個等待着我們的孩子）TA多渴望有一位母親啊，我又多渴望有一個孩子啊！而能讓我們成爲一家人的那個紐帶，就是“愛”。爲人父母，就是去愛。
This was depression as a portal to a world of connection, a world of love, a world in which we walk a spiritual path. This was depression as only one side of the door. And on the other (side of the) door was illumination, warmth, light, and spiritual path, a spiritual passage.
這段抑鬱經歷作爲一個通道，通往一個鏈接萬物的世界、一個愛的世界、一個讓我們走在靈性道路上的世界。精神抑鬱的體驗只是門裏面的世界，而在門外擺着一條充滿啓示、溫暖、光和靈性的路途，也就是“靈性的道途”。
Now, as a clinical scientist, it was clear to me that anything true through yet another human lense of knowing can be again shown. The certainty I had that depression and spirituality are two sides of one door seemed well within reach of science. And so my lab, together with that of Myrna Weissman and Brad Peterson and Rafi Bancell, did the science: two sides of one door — where is it in the brain? Where is depression as the portal of the spiritual path, not the disease? And we found it.
身爲一名臨牀科學家，有一點我很清楚：任何事物的真相都可以通過人類的已知體系進行再驗證。我很肯定，精神抑鬱和靈性覺醒之間只有一門之隔，這一點完全能夠通過科學來驗證。於是，我本人、Myrna Weissman（哥倫比亞大學精神病學教授）和Brad Peterson（哥倫比亞大學兒童與青少年精神病學系主任）和Rafi Bancell（查不到他是誰，如果有人知道可以告訴我-_-）各自的實驗室通力合作，研究這些課題：連通兩種（精神）世界的那扇門，在人腦裏的什麼位置？在什麼情況下“抑鬱感”會成爲鏈接“靈性區域”的管道，而不屬於一種疾病？我們找到了答案。
And we found it in broad and pervasive regions of the cortex. We welcomed into our lab deeply depressed people from families loaded up with generations of depression, and similar people with families loaded up with generations of depression who through their journey of suffering had reached a foundationally spiritual path. People whose lead foot was now depression for having traveled the darkness.
我們在大腦皮層的大面積區域中找到了答案。我們邀請一些受深度抑鬱困擾的人作爲研究對象，這些人統統來自有抑鬱症病史的家族。其中有一部分是在經歷抑鬱困擾之後，轉而徹底走向靈性道路的人；對這部分人來說，曾經歷盡黑暗導致的抑鬱，如今看來卻是轉念的加速器。
And what we found was that in precisely those regions of the brain which atrophied and withered in lifelong depression. For those people with a strong personal spirituality, there was a thickening of those very same regions. The cortex was thick as if you were looking at a tree in the Amazon versus a tree withering under the cold and drought. Two sides of one door is in us. Depression is not always an illness. It can be. We can need to be rebooted or recalibrated or medicated. It can be. But very often, depression as everyone will face it， is core to our endowment, and core to our development.
我們發現，長期的精神抑鬱會導致大腦的特定區域出現萎縮和衰退。而具有較強靈性覺知的這部分人，其大腦的相同區域則會增厚；他們厚實的大腦皮層看起來就像長在亞馬遜叢林的參天大樹。相較之下，另一部分人（指受抑鬱困擾但尚未展現靈性覺知的人）的大腦皮層就像長在寒荒之地的枯樹。一門之隔的這兩個世界，就在我們身心之內。並非所有的精神抑鬱現象都屬於疾病——它有可能是疾病，但我們需要重新研究、重新定義和處理這種現象。精神抑鬱有可能是疾病，但很多時候，這種每個人都有機會經歷的抑鬱體驗更是我們開啓天賦、開發靈性的關鍵點。
My husband and I continued now with this knowledge: that we were on the spiritual path in search of our child. It was clear that our suffering was not for naught, it was not an empty symptom, and with the awareness that we were “becoming,” the presence came back. The presence asked the same question in a deep and profound way. And my answer was honest, which is I am getting there. I can feel we’re down the road. There is the possibility of spiritually evolving into the person who would answer yes. But no, I’m not quite there where I would still adopt a child if I were pregnant. My love has grown, but is my love that great? Not yet.
如今我和我先生都意識到：我們正是在四處找寶寶領養時踏上了靈性之路。顯然，我們經歷的種種挫折不是無意義的，並不是一種無價值的“症候”。當我和先生意識到我們正在“成爲自己所是”，那個（更高的）存有再次顯現。這個存有以一種更深層的角度再次問我同樣的問題（指上文提到的問題：如果成功懷孕是否還會領養）。我很誠實地回答：我還不確定，但感覺已經往那個方向走了。一個已經進化爲靈性存有的人也許會回答“是的，我依然會去領養”，但我知道自己還不是。我還沒達到那種即使成功懷孕也會去領養寶寶的境界。我內心愛的能量正在增長，但足夠強大了嗎？還不見得。
And so we continued, and I found myself in the community of those who for generations have known that depression is but one side of the door, and spiritual awakening the other. Seated on the floor of the “Inipi”, the sweat lodge, among the Lakota in South Dakota, I joined the circle of women. And here, each woman talked about the suffering which had brought her to our collective prayer.
隨後，我結識了這樣一羣人：他們世代以來都知曉，精神抑鬱只不過是門裏邊的世界，而大門的另一邊是靈性的覺醒（譯者注：這裏指的是北美原住民印第安人）。在南達科他州，我坐在印第安小屋“汗屋”的地板上，坐在一羣拉科塔族女性中間參與分享。每個人都分享了參加這次集體禱告之前的曲折經歷，以及這些經歷如何使她們轉變。
‘My son, he’s 40. He has not come home to his family.’
“我兒子今年40歲了。他離家出走至今未歸。”
‘My son, he’s 14, and he’s starting to use substance.’
“我兒子今年才14歲就開始濫用藥物了。”
I, in turn, shared that I was searching for my spiritual child. Together, we prayed and we sent it up. We sent our prayer both for one another, ourselves and the collective, up to Great Spirit, “Wananchi.”
我也跟大家分享了我正在尋找“靈性寶寶”的經歷。我們隨後做了集體禱告，爲彼此、爲自己、也爲整個團體，向“大神”（印第安信仰中的神）禱告。
That night, a call came. They had found him, that very night on the other side of the earth. We have found the Millers’ child was the message. There are great girls and we can sure find you a girl, but this is the Millers’ child, and this is a son.
當天晚上，就有消息了。他們在地球的另一端找到了這個寶寶。“我們爲Miller夫婦（指Lisa夫婦）找到了寶寶”，他們說：“這裏還有很多可愛的女寶寶，相信我們也能找到一個女孩兒。現在找到的是男寶寶，他將是Miller家的兒子。”
Well this time, clinical science had something to say to the spiritual path. When we looked at the women who, through suffering, had come to a spiritual path, with nice thick cortexes, they also had another quality: the back to their head gave off a certain wave length of energy that we call alpha. And it’s also found on the back of the head of a meditating monk.
現在，我們有必要從臨牀科學的角度詮釋一下靈性道路。我們觀察這些歷經曲折後走向靈性道路的女性，發現她們的大腦皮層不僅很厚，且同時具有另一項特徵：她們的頭部後方散發出一種特定長度的、我們稱之爲“阿爾法波”的能量波。這種能量波，在冥想中的僧侶頭部後方也同樣能探測到。
Alpha has another name, it’s Schumann’s constant. It’s the wave length of the earth’s crust. The spiritually engaged brain vibrates at the frequency at the earth’s crust. From the Inipi across the globe was found Isaiah, in through this matrix of consciousness, love, this sacred field that is in us, through us, around us and covers all living earth. This is the world in which we live — a world in which we’re never alone and in which there is guidance, trail angels, helpers and healers. And through the field of love comes just the person, the guy on the bus, the medicine woman, just that living being, the duck, the wise, generous animals, our sisters and brothers.
“阿爾法波”還有另一個名稱叫做“舒曼共振”，其波長相當於地球圓周。而當人腦處於靈性狀態時，腦波振動頻率換算後的波長也正好等於地球圓周。以（上文提到的）印第安小屋爲起點，經由覺知與愛的能量矩陣，跨越半個地球找到了男寶寶Isaiah。這個神聖能量場不僅存在於我們身上，並且穿透我們、圍繞在我們四周，以至包圍着整個地球生靈。這便是我們生活其中的世界——我們從來不是孤單的，這個世界隨處都有指引訊息、天使、助人者和療愈者。在愛的能量場中，會出現“正好需要”的人：像是巴士上那個陌生男子，像是那位女巫醫；也會出現“正好需要”的生靈：像是那位鴨麻麻，有靈性又慷慨的生物，也是我們（同在地球上的）家人。
And in fact, we can no longer begin to think that we are actors on an inert stage, but that the world is alive and infused with that sacred field we might measure as high amplitude alpha. Knowing this, we live into an inspired life — a life of meaning that is not one that we create but meaning that is truly in the fabric of the world.
事實上，我們人類不能再把自己當成在一座沒有生命的（地球）舞臺上嬉笑怒罵的演員，而應該認識到：地球世界是一個生命體，並且承載着能用高頻阿爾法波測量的神聖能量場。認識到這一點，我們就能活出充滿靈性之光的人生——那是一種確有意義的人生。這種意義並非我們自己界定的意義，而是架構在整個世界的全息圖景之內的特定意義。
We live in an inspired life. Isaiah, my son, had been found, named Isaiah, for “one world” in Lakota for those who helped find him. And yet, we still, although far less depressed and much more full of love and connection, had the anxiety of actually meeting him, finding him, bringing him home.
我和先生過上了充滿靈性之光的生活。我找到屬於自己的兒子，是拉科塔族人幫我找到了他。我爲他起名爲“Isaiah”，這在拉科塔族語言中是“寰宇一家”的意思。不過，儘管那時我和先生的抑鬱已經大爲好轉，內心也變得更充滿愛和鏈接，但我們對於要跟寶寶見面、要把他接回家這件事還是很焦慮。
And then one day, the FedEx came and we peeled it open and there was the video. We popped it in and the most joyous little boy, full of happiness, arm around the nurse — a love like I had never felt lifted me up, and any remnant of depression were shards on the ground. And together, my husband and I went to bed as parents.
接着有一天我們收到一個快遞，拆開是一盒錄影帶。我們迫不及待地打開來播放，看到一位樂呵呵、滿載喜悅的小男寶，他還把小手臂搭在護士姐姐身上。立刻有一種我從未感知過的愛油然升起，至此，殘留無幾的抑鬱感也一掃而光。那天結束時，我和我先生——我們的身份晉級爲“人父人母”。
That night, the presence came back — the great sacred presence for the third time. “If you were pregnant now, would you adopt?”
當晚，那位聖潔的更高存有又一次顯現，再度問我：“如果你現在成功懷孕，還會考慮領養嗎？”
“Yes, I found my spiritual son, yes.”
“會的。我已經找到我的靈性兒子。但依然會。”我說。
And that night, we conceived naturally — his sister. We had spiritual twins.
然後就在那一晚，我成功地自然受孕——懷上Isaiah的妹妹。我們迎來了一對靈性雙胞胎。
So when you hear the knock, consider the invitation. What sounds shocking, and as if the hand that takes from inside the darkness when we walk through the door is the hand that invites that guides and ultimately gives.
所以，當你聽見敲門聲，把這看成一種邀請吧。若你不開門，黑暗中這樣的敲打或許顯得來者不善；而當你打開門走出去，會發現這聲音是前來迎接、前來引領、前來給予的。
On the other side of the door is the inspired life brought to us by the presence.
門外等着你的，是充滿靈性之光的生活，還有那前來邀請的存有。
Thanks.
感謝各位。
聽錄&翻譯：CC
2018年8月13日
【譯者後記】
Lisa Miller教授在這段演講中以親身經歷作爲引子引出“Spirituality（靈性）”的概念，加以一些心理學/科學研究方面的佐證，實際是想概略地闡明“人生的黑暗階段”和“覺醒轉向靈性”之間的關係。她提到的這種“抑鬱經歷”是每一個探索內心世界/心靈成長的人都不可避免會遭遇的共性。冰山不止一角，如果你有興趣並且有一個足夠開放的心態，譯者在這裏推薦一本書：《靈魂的暗夜》（豆瓣讀書鏈接：靈魂的暗夜 (豆瓣)），對人生挫折/精神創傷/無助痛苦的階段有更豐富的敘述；作者是來自荷蘭的Pamela Kribbe博士，簡體中文和繁體中文譯本都有發行。
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注：轉載翻譯內容請註明出處。簡書作者：蝸牛小姐CC，專題：《靈性探索和成長》