Lisa Miller on Depression & Spiritual Awakening: Two Sides of One Door
Lisa Miller博士TEDx演讲：精神抑郁与灵性觉醒——门里门外的毗邻世界
Lisa Miller, Ph.D. – Professor and Director of the Clinical Psychology Program
Lisa Miller博士简介：哥伦比亚大学教授，临床心理学系主任
[译者注：Lisa Miller博士创立了常春藤盟校的首个灵性心理学专业，设立“灵性身心学院（Spirituality Mind Body Institute）”，隶属于哥伦比亚大学教育学院]
In the dark of the night, 4 a.m., I look over and my husband’s not there. I look further, and I find him flat on his back, looking at the ceiling, arms out. “Our lives are hollow and meaningless without children.”
某天凌晨4点，我醒来往身旁看了看——不见我先生。我擡眼往四周找，却发现他摊开双臂平躺在地上，呆望着天花板，感叹道：“没有孩子的生活，真是空洞又毫无意义。”
It had been two-and-a-half years of hopes and prayers and failed fertility treatments. No one had come. And the despair that ripped through our hearts woke us night after night — to the point where friends and family called just to see how we were doing. Because we so clearly were depressed.
两年半以来，我们曾经历过无数次空欢喜、做过无数次祷告，尝试过一次又一次失败的生育治疗。却始终怀不上宝宝。我们绝望到内伤，整夜整夜的失眠——以至于连家人朋友都看出我们很不妥，要打电话来试探：“你们怎样了？”
As a clinical psychologist and scientist, I had been trained to see that depression is a disease. Much like cancer or diabetes, depression as a disease had symptoms of despair and isolation. And yet that simply did not explain the road we were traveling, nor did it explain the depression that follows loss of a spouse, miscarriage, trauma, or the natural transitions sophomore slump, mid-life crisis, portholes in passages — chapter breaks that seemed core to who we are — were not aberrant illnesses. They were not diseases.
我本身是一位临床心理学者，是科研人，此前受过的所有教育和训练都教导我说：精神抑郁是疾病的一种；既然是疾病就会有症状——就好比癌症或糖尿病，而精神抑郁的症状是产生绝望感和孤独感。然而，这套理论远不足以解释我和先生当时所经历的种种，也不足以解释人们在经历诸如丧偶、流产、精神创伤后引发的绝望感，或者诸如“二年级生低潮症候群”（译者注：指在第一年表现优异的新人，到了第二年时因为各种原因导致成绩下滑的现象）、中年危机等，诸如此类我们人生中难以避免的低潮现象——这些现象并不反常，也不能称之为疾病。
And so my husband and I continued with each cycle ending in a disappointment that felt like a funeral. And as we continued down our road of trials, we started ever so gradually, over months and years to open our eyes from a dark and isolated place, quite alone, to a place where we started to hear the guidance of helpers and healers: the folks who, on the Appalachian Trail, through hikers called “trail angels” for bringing food and water when they need it most. Our trail angels brought what we needed most: wisdom and guidance.
继续说我和我先生，我们接着做了一次又一次以失望告终的尝试，而每一次失望都让我们感觉像坠入世界末日。我们在这条磨炼之路上坚持着，承受过数月、数年极度孤独无助的黑暗之后，才渐渐睁开双眼打开双耳，开始发现身边出现了一些能给我们提供帮助和疗愈的人。就像那些沿着阿巴拉契亚国家步道长途跋涉的揹包客（译者注：一条从美国缅因州中部穿越阿巴拉契亚山脉直达佐治亚州的步道，是美国最长的徒步旅行步道之一），在他们最缺水少食的时刻恰好有路人给他们递上一杯水、分一点食物，这些好心人被称为“途中天使”。而我和先生的“途中天使”正是在我们最最需要的时刻给我们送来了：智慧与指引。
So one day I came home after yet another in vitro with the haunting feeling as I drove my car that this too was a failure. And sure enough, as I stepped to the door, the evidence was incontrovertible. A tiny dead duck embryo lay on my threshold. And I knew it was not possible the embryo in me was alive.
那天，我又一次做完试管婴儿疗程后开车回家，途中脑海里一直有种挥之不去的预感，觉得这次疗程仍然会失败。回到家刚进门就看到一个确切无疑的迹象，心想这下没有余地了：我看到一只死掉的小鸭仔胚胎横躺在家里门槛上。这时我知道，我肚子里的宝宝也不可能有希望了。
And so I went to bed and had a long depressing nap to awake — (knocking sound) to a duck — the mama duck, who had lost her aspirational baby. And the mama duck was persistent. I thought what would the duck want with me. (knocking sound) She wanted to come towards me. And as I opened the door, I saw she had brought me a gift — the most precious thing in the world to her. She had brought me a plump, juicy worm. Mama duck and I, there we were, two aspirational mothers, not alone. Not alone because duck and I were side by side, and not alone because of the great force that brought duck.
我沮丧着躺到床上休息。睡了好一会儿，迷糊中听见“咔嗒咔嗒”的敲门声，一看原来是只鸭子——正是鸭麻麻，刚刚失去自己宝贝小鸭仔的鸭麻麻。鸭麻麻一直敲个不停，一副不肯罢休的样子。我心想她到底要干嘛呢，一直“咔嗒咔嗒”地敲门？原来她想要走近我。我起来打开门，看到她给我带来了一个礼物——是一条圆鼓鼓的肥虫子。这对她来说可是世上最珍贵的美物了。此情此景有两位母亲，同样地渴望拥有小宝宝：鸭麻麻和我，我们并不孤单。我不再孤单，因为那一刻鸭麻麻和我站在一起，更因为有一股无形的力量把鸭麻麻带到我面前。
And so, too, through that force came the guy on the bus. And the guy on the bus winked, leaned over, and said, “You seem like just that type of mother that would go all around the world adopting all types of kids,” opening up that new possibility.
同样因为这股力量，让我在巴士上遇到这样一个男人。这个家伙朝我眨了眨眼，凑上前对我说：“你看起来像那种就算找遍全世界，踏破铁鞋也要领养到小孩的母亲。”正是这句话，点醒我还有别的机会。
Listening to the helpers and healers opened my awareness, so that the next time I was woken in the night was not by the rip of depression, but by a great and clearly sacred presence — a presence with a love so great and a gravitas that I sat up.
通过接收这些前来提供帮助和疗愈的存有们给我的指引，唤醒了我的觉知。自此以后，我若在半夜醒来，已不再是因为抑郁而失眠，而是因为链接到一种强大而圣洁的存有，一种充满大爱与庄严的存有。
And the presence said, “If you were pregnant, would you adopt?”
这个存有问我：“如果你现在成功怀孕，你还会考虑领养吗？”
And I said something so awesome and great: the truth, which was, “No”. But I also knew that this journey was more than a disease, and that this depression was opening the door on a path of “becoming” – a spiritual path.
我的回答是“不会”：这个回答简直太棒，因为这就是我的真实想法。但同时我也知道，此前经历的种种绝不是“生了一场病”，它引发的抑郁感恰恰为我打开了一扇门，一扇“成为我所是”的门，通往一条灵性之路。
Continuing down this path, I wanted that baby. It was great that I was on a spiritual path, but I wanted that baby. And so we didn’t quit. Up and down the East Coast to the best IVF labs in the country. We went so far as to find the team that invented IVF, and sitting there in solidarity on bed rest with my spouse, we found that the remote was stuck in our hotel room on one channel — one interminable documentary, four hours (laughter) of a little boy — a little boy who stood in a garbage dump alone, and said, “I don’t care that I’m poor. I don’t care that I can’t go to school. But it hurts so much to not be loved that I sniff glue to make the pain go away.”
尽管如此，我还是想要一个宝宝。我是走上了灵性之路没错，这很好，可我还是想要一个宝宝。（译者注：Lisa这里的意思是走上灵性道路的人会跟随内心最真实的想法去做选择，她最真实的想法是如果成功怀孕了就不会去领养；但当时怀宝宝的事仍然没有眉目，所以还是忍不住要去领养。）我和先生仍不死心，我们找遍了整个东海岸，找到全美最顶尖的试管婴儿实验室，甚至找到了发明试管婴儿技术的团队。当我和先生同坐休息时，发现房里的电视换不了台只能播一个频道，当时播放着一个冗长的纪录片——时长4个小时（笑声）。画面里，一个小男孩孤零零地站在垃圾堆旁，他说：“我很穷，我无所谓。我上不了学，这我也无所谓。最让我难受的是没有人疼爱我。太痛苦了，我只能通过嗅胶来减轻痛苦。”（译者注：嗅胶是一种吸入性的刺激神经的方式，胶水的粘合剂中含有令人陶醉的烟雾……）
And lying there in our multiple rounds of IVF, my husband and I looked at each other. And he said it first. We knew there was a child out there for us. We made our way to a wise woman and hovered around her table, the daughter of a once clergyman. She looked at us and said, “Frankly, what is it that you are looking for in your child?”
接着，躺在病床上等着做新一轮试管婴儿疗程时，我和先生彼此对望了一眼。还是他先开口了：我们知道的，一定有个孩子在某处等着我们。于是，我们拜访了一位民间女巫医，她是退休神职人员的女儿。我们在诊桌前徘徊，她见状问道：“坦白说，你们俩想要一个怎样的宝宝呢？”
And I leaned in and said, “Well, I don’t care if this is a boy or a girl. I don’t care what race this child is. Just please, a child who can love.”
我凑上前答道：“呃，其实男孩女孩都没关系，我也不在乎孩子是什么人种。我只想要一个能让我去付出爱的宝宝。”
And my husband jumped in and he said, “Well yes, all that, but kind of a girl.” (Laughter)
这时我先生发话了，他说：“呃，这倒没错，不过最好是个女孩吧。”（笑声）
What we knew in common was that the voice that said you will never be parents, the voice that came from being alone in darkness was now a voice that said parenting is love. It hurts so much to not be loved. All he wanted was a mom, all I wanted was a child. What would have made us family was love. Parenting was love.
但有一点我和先生的认知一致，也就是：当我们还在孤独的暗夜徘徊时，那个在脑子里叫嚷着“你们永远没有机会做父母”的声音，在那一刻转变成另一种声音。这个声音说道——“为人父母，就是去爱。”不能被爱，是多痛苦的一件事啊。（那个等待着我们的孩子）TA多渴望有一位母亲啊，我又多渴望有一个孩子啊！而能让我们成为一家人的那个纽带，就是“爱”。为人父母，就是去爱。
This was depression as a portal to a world of connection, a world of love, a world in which we walk a spiritual path. This was depression as only one side of the door. And on the other (side of the) door was illumination, warmth, light, and spiritual path, a spiritual passage.
这段抑郁经历作为一个通道，通往一个链接万物的世界、一个爱的世界、一个让我们走在灵性道路上的世界。精神抑郁的体验只是门里面的世界，而在门外摆着一条充满启示、温暖、光和灵性的路途，也就是“灵性的道途”。
Now, as a clinical scientist, it was clear to me that anything true through yet another human lense of knowing can be again shown. The certainty I had that depression and spirituality are two sides of one door seemed well within reach of science. And so my lab, together with that of Myrna Weissman and Brad Peterson and Rafi Bancell, did the science: two sides of one door — where is it in the brain? Where is depression as the portal of the spiritual path, not the disease? And we found it.
身为一名临床科学家，有一点我很清楚：任何事物的真相都可以通过人类的已知体系进行再验证。我很肯定，精神抑郁和灵性觉醒之间只有一门之隔，这一点完全能够通过科学来验证。于是，我本人、Myrna Weissman（哥伦比亚大学精神病学教授）和Brad Peterson（哥伦比亚大学儿童与青少年精神病学系主任）和Rafi Bancell（查不到他是谁，如果有人知道可以告诉我-_-）各自的实验室通力合作，研究这些课题：连通两种（精神）世界的那扇门，在人脑里的什么位置？在什么情况下“抑郁感”会成为链接“灵性区域”的管道，而不属于一种疾病？我们找到了答案。
And we found it in broad and pervasive regions of the cortex. We welcomed into our lab deeply depressed people from families loaded up with generations of depression, and similar people with families loaded up with generations of depression who through their journey of suffering had reached a foundationally spiritual path. People whose lead foot was now depression for having traveled the darkness.
我们在大脑皮层的大面积区域中找到了答案。我们邀请一些受深度抑郁困扰的人作为研究对象，这些人统统来自有抑郁症病史的家族。其中有一部分是在经历抑郁困扰之后，转而彻底走向灵性道路的人；对这部分人来说，曾经历尽黑暗导致的抑郁，如今看来却是转念的加速器。
And what we found was that in precisely those regions of the brain which atrophied and withered in lifelong depression. For those people with a strong personal spirituality, there was a thickening of those very same regions. The cortex was thick as if you were looking at a tree in the Amazon versus a tree withering under the cold and drought. Two sides of one door is in us. Depression is not always an illness. It can be. We can need to be rebooted or recalibrated or medicated. It can be. But very often, depression as everyone will face it， is core to our endowment, and core to our development.
我们发现，长期的精神抑郁会导致大脑的特定区域出现萎缩和衰退。而具有较强灵性觉知的这部分人，其大脑的相同区域则会增厚；他们厚实的大脑皮层看起来就像长在亚马逊丛林的参天大树。相较之下，另一部分人（指受抑郁困扰但尚未展现灵性觉知的人）的大脑皮层就像长在寒荒之地的枯树。一门之隔的这两个世界，就在我们身心之内。并非所有的精神抑郁现象都属于疾病——它有可能是疾病，但我们需要重新研究、重新定义和处理这种现象。精神抑郁有可能是疾病，但很多时候，这种每个人都有机会经历的抑郁体验更是我们开启天赋、开发灵性的关键点。
My husband and I continued now with this knowledge: that we were on the spiritual path in search of our child. It was clear that our suffering was not for naught, it was not an empty symptom, and with the awareness that we were “becoming,” the presence came back. The presence asked the same question in a deep and profound way. And my answer was honest, which is I am getting there. I can feel we’re down the road. There is the possibility of spiritually evolving into the person who would answer yes. But no, I’m not quite there where I would still adopt a child if I were pregnant. My love has grown, but is my love that great? Not yet.
如今我和我先生都意识到：我们正是在四处找宝宝领养时踏上了灵性之路。显然，我们经历的种种挫折不是无意义的，并不是一种无价值的“症候”。当我和先生意识到我们正在“成为自己所是”，那个（更高的）存有再次显现。这个存有以一种更深层的角度再次问我同样的问题（指上文提到的问题：如果成功怀孕是否还会领养）。我很诚实地回答：我还不确定，但感觉已经往那个方向走了。一个已经进化为灵性存有的人也许会回答“是的，我依然会去领养”，但我知道自己还不是。我还没达到那种即使成功怀孕也会去领养宝宝的境界。我内心爱的能量正在增长，但足够强大了吗？还不见得。
And so we continued, and I found myself in the community of those who for generations have known that depression is but one side of the door, and spiritual awakening the other. Seated on the floor of the “Inipi”, the sweat lodge, among the Lakota in South Dakota, I joined the circle of women. And here, each woman talked about the suffering which had brought her to our collective prayer.
随后，我结识了这样一群人：他们世代以来都知晓，精神抑郁只不过是门里边的世界，而大门的另一边是灵性的觉醒（译者注：这里指的是北美原住民印第安人）。在南达科他州，我坐在印第安小屋“汗屋”的地板上，坐在一群拉科塔族女性中间参与分享。每个人都分享了参加这次集体祷告之前的曲折经历，以及这些经历如何使她们转变。
‘My son, he’s 40. He has not come home to his family.’
“我儿子今年40岁了。他离家出走至今未归。”
‘My son, he’s 14, and he’s starting to use substance.’
“我儿子今年才14岁就开始滥用药物了。”
I, in turn, shared that I was searching for my spiritual child. Together, we prayed and we sent it up. We sent our prayer both for one another, ourselves and the collective, up to Great Spirit, “Wananchi.”
我也跟大家分享了我正在寻找“灵性宝宝”的经历。我们随后做了集体祷告，为彼此、为自己、也为整个团体，向“大神”（印第安信仰中的神）祷告。
That night, a call came. They had found him, that very night on the other side of the earth. We have found the Millers’ child was the message. There are great girls and we can sure find you a girl, but this is the Millers’ child, and this is a son.
当天晚上，就有消息了。他们在地球的另一端找到了这个宝宝。“我们为Miller夫妇（指Lisa夫妇）找到了宝宝”，他们说：“这里还有很多可爱的女宝宝，相信我们也能找到一个女孩儿。现在找到的是男宝宝，他将是Miller家的儿子。”
Well this time, clinical science had something to say to the spiritual path. When we looked at the women who, through suffering, had come to a spiritual path, with nice thick cortexes, they also had another quality: the back to their head gave off a certain wave length of energy that we call alpha. And it’s also found on the back of the head of a meditating monk.
现在，我们有必要从临床科学的角度诠释一下灵性道路。我们观察这些历经曲折后走向灵性道路的女性，发现她们的大脑皮层不仅很厚，且同时具有另一项特征：她们的头部后方散发出一种特定长度的、我们称之为“阿尔法波”的能量波。这种能量波，在冥想中的僧侣头部后方也同样能探测到。
Alpha has another name, it’s Schumann’s constant. It’s the wave length of the earth’s crust. The spiritually engaged brain vibrates at the frequency at the earth’s crust. From the Inipi across the globe was found Isaiah, in through this matrix of consciousness, love, this sacred field that is in us, through us, around us and covers all living earth. This is the world in which we live — a world in which we’re never alone and in which there is guidance, trail angels, helpers and healers. And through the field of love comes just the person, the guy on the bus, the medicine woman, just that living being, the duck, the wise, generous animals, our sisters and brothers.
“阿尔法波”还有另一个名称叫做“舒曼共振”，其波长相当于地球圆周。而当人脑处于灵性状态时，脑波振动频率换算后的波长也正好等于地球圆周。以（上文提到的）印第安小屋为起点，经由觉知与爱的能量矩阵，跨越半个地球找到了男宝宝Isaiah。这个神圣能量场不仅存在于我们身上，并且穿透我们、围绕在我们四周，以至包围着整个地球生灵。这便是我们生活其中的世界——我们从来不是孤单的，这个世界随处都有指引讯息、天使、助人者和疗愈者。在爱的能量场中，会出现“正好需要”的人：像是巴士上那个陌生男子，像是那位女巫医；也会出现“正好需要”的生灵：像是那位鸭麻麻，有灵性又慷慨的生物，也是我们（同在地球上的）家人。
And in fact, we can no longer begin to think that we are actors on an inert stage, but that the world is alive and infused with that sacred field we might measure as high amplitude alpha. Knowing this, we live into an inspired life — a life of meaning that is not one that we create but meaning that is truly in the fabric of the world.
事实上，我们人类不能再把自己当成在一座没有生命的（地球）舞台上嬉笑怒骂的演员，而应该认识到：地球世界是一个生命体，并且承载着能用高频阿尔法波测量的神圣能量场。认识到这一点，我们就能活出充满灵性之光的人生——那是一种确有意义的人生。这种意义并非我们自己界定的意义，而是架构在整个世界的全息图景之内的特定意义。
We live in an inspired life. Isaiah, my son, had been found, named Isaiah, for “one world” in Lakota for those who helped find him. And yet, we still, although far less depressed and much more full of love and connection, had the anxiety of actually meeting him, finding him, bringing him home.
我和先生过上了充满灵性之光的生活。我找到属于自己的儿子，是拉科塔族人帮我找到了他。我为他起名为“Isaiah”，这在拉科塔族语言中是“寰宇一家”的意思。不过，尽管那时我和先生的抑郁已经大为好转，内心也变得更充满爱和链接，但我们对于要跟宝宝见面、要把他接回家这件事还是很焦虑。
And then one day, the FedEx came and we peeled it open and there was the video. We popped it in and the most joyous little boy, full of happiness, arm around the nurse — a love like I had never felt lifted me up, and any remnant of depression were shards on the ground. And together, my husband and I went to bed as parents.
接着有一天我们收到一个快递，拆开是一盒录影带。我们迫不及待地打开来播放，看到一位乐呵呵、满载喜悦的小男宝，他还把小手臂搭在护士姐姐身上。立刻有一种我从未感知过的爱油然升起，至此，残留无几的抑郁感也一扫而光。那天结束时，我和我先生——我们的身份晋级为“人父人母”。
That night, the presence came back — the great sacred presence for the third time. “If you were pregnant now, would you adopt?”
当晚，那位圣洁的更高存有又一次显现，再度问我：“如果你现在成功怀孕，还会考虑领养吗？”
“Yes, I found my spiritual son, yes.”
“会的。我已经找到我的灵性儿子。但依然会。”我说。
And that night, we conceived naturally — his sister. We had spiritual twins.
然后就在那一晚，我成功地自然受孕——怀上Isaiah的妹妹。我们迎来了一对灵性双胞胎。
So when you hear the knock, consider the invitation. What sounds shocking, and as if the hand that takes from inside the darkness when we walk through the door is the hand that invites that guides and ultimately gives.
所以，当你听见敲门声，把这看成一种邀请吧。若你不开门，黑暗中这样的敲打或许显得来者不善；而当你打开门走出去，会发现这声音是前来迎接、前来引领、前来给予的。
On the other side of the door is the inspired life brought to us by the presence.
门外等着你的，是充满灵性之光的生活，还有那前来邀请的存有。
Thanks.
感谢各位。
听录&翻译：CC
2018年8月13日
【译者后记】
Lisa Miller教授在这段演讲中以亲身经历作为引子引出“Spirituality（灵性）”的概念，加以一些心理学/科学研究方面的佐证，实际是想概略地阐明“人生的黑暗阶段”和“觉醒转向灵性”之间的关系。她提到的这种“抑郁经历”是每一个探索内心世界/心灵成长的人都不可避免会遭遇的共性。冰山不止一角，如果你有兴趣并且有一个足够开放的心态，译者在这里推荐一本书：《灵魂的暗夜》（豆瓣读书链接：灵魂的暗夜 (豆瓣)），对人生挫折/精神创伤/无助痛苦的阶段有更丰富的叙述；作者是来自荷兰的Pamela Kribbe博士，简体中文和繁体中文译本都有发行。
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注：转载翻译内容请注明出处。简书作者：蜗牛小姐CC，专题：《灵性探索和成长》