The Death of Greatness
By Brian Lanning
“Then Sun Ch’uan asked Lü Meng, saying, ‘If he fly to a distance, how can he be captured?’ ‘The divination exactly fits in with my schemes,’ replied he, ‘and though Kuan had wings to soar to the skies he would not escape my net.’” I’m reading in my living room on a comfortable rocking chair with my feet on a little footrest. I can smell the pages of the historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms; they have that nice “old book” smell like dried-out leaves in autumn. I’m reading about a chaotic time in China, and numerous characters and events, but I can find myself only thinking about Kuan Yu, the man that Sun Ch’uan and Lü Meng are plotting against. The great and invincible Kuan Yu, with his hundred-pound halberd and his long flowing beard, giving him the nick-name “Kuan Yu of the beard.” This is the end of the chapter, so I close the book and put it on the ledge next to me. I slouch down in my rocking chair, knowing full well that these two imps could never defeat the great Kuan Yu. “权问吕蒙曰：‘卦主敌人远奔，卿以何策擒之？’蒙笑曰：‘卦象正合某之机也。关公虽有冲天之翼，飞不出吾罗网矣！’” 房厅里的我，脚搭着小脚凳，坐在舒适的摇椅上读书。这本历史小说《三国演义》是那种很有韵味的“老书”，书页里散发着如同秋天里风干的树叶的那种气味。书里讲的是中国历史上的一个乱世，人物和事件纷繁复杂，但我只钟情于关羽——也就是这会儿孙权和吕蒙想要算计的那个人。无敌大英雄关羽，手使百磅大刀，手捻飘逸长须，人送绰号“美髯公”。我已经看到了这一回的结尾（岳光寒按：应是七十六回《徐公明大战沔水 关云长败走麦城》），于是把书合上，放在身旁的窗台上，然后在摇椅上懒洋洋地坐着，料定这两个龟孙永远无法击败伟大的关羽。
After slouching comfortably for a minute or two I get up to walk around, and take some pacing steps around my living room. The warm carpet feels nice and relaxing on my socked-feet. I’m not pacing in anxiety or anything, just getting the blood flowing again. I’ve been in that chair reading for about an hour now and just felt like moving. I can hear the soothing sounds of the rain hitting the roof. I feel secure in this room. The room has this nice warm lighting, where it’s not too bright, nor too dark; that’s why I always do my reading in this room. “Maybe,” I think, “I’ll just read another chapter before going to bed.” I stretch my chest, and feel a nice, light pulling in the front of my shoulders. 这么瘫坐一两分钟后，我站起身，开始在客厅里转圈踱步。穿着袜子的脚踩在暖融融的地毯上感觉轻松惬意。我这么走来走去才不是因为焦虑什么的，只是想通通血脉。我已经在那把椅子上看了大概一小时书了，就想活动一下。在这屋里能听到雨水敲在屋顶上那让人倍感闲适的声音，我觉得很安心。房间里有暖暖的灯光，光线不炫不暗，这也是为什么我总在这个房间里看书。“要不我睡前会再看一回吧。” 这么想着，我伸展了一下前胸，那种肩膀微微拉伸的感觉很不错。
I return to the chair and ease into it, putting my feet back on the little footrest. I pick the book back up from the ledge, open it up and smell that sweet autumn fragrance emanating and lingering. “When Kuan Yu mustered his fighting men in the city, he had but three hundred, all told.” I let out a little chuckle. These would seem like dire straits to anyone who was not familiar with the hardships that the great Kuan Yu has overcome in his lifetime. This is the man that road out of a kingdom alone and had to slay six officers in order to escape. This is the man that knowingly went to a banquet designed to assassinate him, and walked out unscathed holding the host in the air. His enemies, the country of Wu, is led by Sun Ch’uan and his adviser Lü Meng. They have devised a ploy to make Kuan Yu’s entire troop defect to Wu. 我回到椅子顺势一坐，脚放回到小脚凳上，从窗台上拿起书，打开，再次闻到那如同秋叶散发的萦绕不绝的香气。“且说关公在麦城，计点马步军兵，止剩三百余人......” 我不禁笑出了声。 这对于那些不熟悉关羽一生克服过多少逆境的人来说似乎已经是山穷水尽了。然而这是一个为了离开曹营不得不过五关斩六将才得以走脱的男人。 这是一个明知是鸿门宴还去赴宴，最后挟持主人全身而退的男人。而正与他敌对的是以孙权及其谋臣吕蒙为首的吴国，他们谋划了一个计策，想让关羽全军覆没。
Their plans are working out fine for them, but I’m still comfortable in my chair knowing that Kuan Yu is worth a thousand soldiers. However, to hold a city you’ll need more men and resources than they have. They decide to retreat by a certain path leading out of the castle. “Wang Fu opposed it, pointing out that they would surely fall into an ambush. The main road would be safer. ‘There may be an ambush, but do I fear that?’ said the old warrior. Orders were given to be ready to march.” I lift my eyes from the page and smile. You have to love a great hero that knows that he’s a great hero. 计策进展还挺顺利，但我依然端坐，因为我知道关羽可以以一当千。但是守城的话这点兵力和粮草显然不够，于是他们决定在一条小路突围。 “王甫谏曰：'小路有埋伏,可走大路。'公曰：‘虽有埋伏，吾何惧哉！’即下令马步官军严整装束，准备出城。” 我擡起头，目光离开书页，笑了——这种自恃其勇的勇士你没法不爱。
After a couple of laughs I continue my reading, and guess what, they’ve gotten ambushed. “Soon appeared a large force with Chu Jan at their head. He came dashing forward, and summoned the small party to surrender if they would save their lives. But Kuan Yu whipped his steed to a gallop and bore down on the leader with anger in his eyes. Then Chu Jan ran away.” “Smart man,” I think to myself. Another small fit of laughter escapes me. What is Wu thinking? You can’t capture or kill the great Kuan Yu, you can only hope that you’re not the one in his path. Lifting my eyes from the pages, I look at the light bulbs. 笑了几声之后，我继续看，你猜怎的？果然中埋伏了。“一彪军到，为首大将朱然，骤马挺枪叫曰：‘云长休走！趁早投降，免得一死！’公大怒，拍马轮刀来战，朱然便走......” 我心想，还好这人够聪明，跟着又笑了几声。吴军想什么呢？不论斩杀还是俘虏关公都是不可能的，能在他走脱时别螳臂当车就值得庆幸了。我擡眼看了看灯。
I love doing this in this room, because these light-bulbs don’t give me that “sun-spot” in the middle of my vision, so I just get the warm feelings that brightness give. I roll my shoulder in its socket just to stretch it out a little bit. I shift some in my seat because my legs are getting a little numb. Returning my eyes to the page, I’m trying to see if I was right about the lack of “sun-spot.” Yep, I’m right, no “sun-spot.” 我总爱这么干，因为这灯不是会给我眼睛留下“太阳斑”的那种，这种亮度只会让我感到温暖。我转了转肩关节，伸展了一下，感到腿有点麻，所以在椅子上挪了下屁股。视线回到书上，想看看会不会有“太阳斑”。不错，真的没有。
Another ambush by another captain, and another captain flees from Kuan Yu. I start shaking my head thinking about the stupid persistence of Wu generals. Seriously, why would you engage someone in battle if you were just going to run away? “It doesn’t matter,” I say to myself, “just read.” “Presently the small party stumbled into another ambush, and the men thrust forth hooks and threw ropes. Entangled in these, Kuan Yu’s horse fell, and Kuan Yu reeled out of the saddle.” “This can’t be good,” is frantically repeating through my head. “In a moment he was a prisoner.” 又遇上另一员吴将的伏兵，然而他在关羽面前只有抱头鼠窜的份。我开始摇头，感觉吴军将领执迷不悟。讲真——既然知道打不过要跑，干嘛还上去打？“没事，看吧。” 我自言自语。“正走之间，一声喊起，两下伏兵尽出，长钩套索，一齐并举，先把关公坐下马绊倒。关公翻身落马……” 我心中连声叫着“不妙”。“……被潘璋部将马忠所获。”
But at least he’s still alive. As long as the great Kuan Yu is alive, there is nothing to fear. I’ve noticed that my leg is twitching, and that nice comfortable warmth has turned into humid heat. I feel itchy all over. I start scratching my ears; they’re itching the worst. I pull my hat off and rub my hair, pulling the hat back over my head very tightly. The air is way too sticky, and I can’t seem to get a breath of fresh air. I cover my mouth with my left fist, and cough a little bit. 但至少他还活着！只要伟大的关羽还活着，就没什么好害怕的！我注意到我的腿在抽搐，之前融融的暖意变成了湿热。我浑身发痒，开始挠耳朵，感觉耳朵痒得厉害。我脱下帽子搓头发，又把帽子拉回头上，拉得很紧。空气太粘了，我好像呼吸不到新鲜空气，就用左拳挡住嘴，咳了一下。
Sitting up straight in the chair and staring fiercely at the pages I start reading quickly. The generals of Wu have brought Kuan Yu before Sun Ch’uan. Sun Ch’uan asks him to switch sides to Wu. “But Kuan Yu only answered roughly, ‘You green-eyed boy! You red-bearded rat!’” I’m thinking “Ahhh… this is where the great Kuan Yu is going to slaughter everybody in the room, whether he’s bound or not!” One of Sun Ch’uan’s generals says that evil will come if they spare Kuan Yu. “Sun Ch’uan reflected for some time. ‘You are right,’ said he presently, and gave the order for execution.” “This can’t be!” My mind is frantic; they’ve just executed the invincible Kuan Yu. His death was at the hands of men that combined couldn’t exist as the great Kuan Yu’s pinkie-finger. 我在椅子上正襟危坐，狠盯着书页，翻看得更快了。吴军众将把关羽带到了孙权面前。孙权让他降吴。“关公厉声骂曰：‘碧眼小儿，紫髯鼠辈！……’”我心想，啊啊啊……这里应该是伟大的关羽要把这一屋子人都杀掉，就算被绑着也肯定能！孙权手下一将说若不马上除掉，恐贻后患。“孙权沉吟半晌，曰： ‘斯言是也。’ 遂命推出。” “这不可能！” 我疯了！他们刚刚处死了无敌战神关羽！关羽居然死在几个加起来都不敌他一个小指头的鼠辈手里！
I stand up in haste, throwing the book to the floor, shove my feet into my shoes without tying them, and then walk out into the rain. It’s pitch-dark outside. It’s cold. I look up and try to see the moon. There is no moon. There aren’t even any stars out tonight, just the rain. I’m looking around for some form of celestial light, but all that I can see is one flickering light bulb. How is this one light bulb going to brighten the darkness? 我倏地起身，把书扔到地上，脚伸进鞋子，鞋带也没系，就走进雨里。外面漆黑一片，很冷。我擡起头，想看看月色，却没有月亮。今晚连星星也没有，只有雨。我四下望，想找到随便什么天体发出的光，但只能看到一个闪烁的灯泡。 一个灯泡如何照亮黑暗？
I’m shivering, I’m soaked, and I need a cigarette. I pull my pack out of my pocket and grab one. It’s been out of the box for like two-goddamn-seconds and it’s already wet. I’m looking down as I’m lighting it, cupping my hand around the lighter so that the wind and the rain don’t extinguish it. I can see the wet blacktop. The water passing over it is the blackest thing that I’ve ever seen. To me it seems like emptiness in motion, this black-liquid coming from nowhere, heading nowhere, and washing away whatever it can find. 我瑟瑟发抖，浑身湿透，想要点支烟。从口袋里掏出烟盒，抽出一支。拿出来才两秒钟左右，已经特么的湿了。我低头打火，双手护着打火机，以免被风雨吹熄。 我看到被雨打湿的沥青，上面流过的水是我见过的最黑的东西。 对我来说，这似乎是流动着的虚无，这股黑色液体无来处亦无去处，只是把它遇到的一切都冲走。
I find that my imagination has been washed away. I’m trying to think. About Kuan Yu, about my life, about anything. Nothing is coming to mind. There is a black void where all of my fancies and aspirations of greatness used to fill. This is uncomfortable. For the past three-weeks my imagination has been running loose. Everything I’ve thought about or thought-up has been wild and epic; I was plotting world-domination schemes and ways to restore the chaotic order of great Kuan Yu’s time. 它冲掉了我的一切幻想。我开始反思——关于关羽，关于我的人生，关于一切。什么都想不出来。我之前所有对于极致伟大的幻想和抱负都一直在填补一个黑色的虚空，这让人极度不适。在过去的三周中，我一直沉浸在幻想里。我曾经思量的、想到的一切都荒诞不经；我一直在想着怎么一统天下，怎样将关羽所处的乱世拨乱反正。
Now it feels like there is no point to having great fantasies, or to become great at all. The greatest hero this world has ever known met an ignoble end at the hands of inferior men. Reading about this man’s life had given me hope that greatness would resound through history. He’s in books, movies, and video games; but none of it matters. His life was washed away, leaving me feeling empty. The cigarette is done, the end is still glowing but there’s not much more to smoke. I drop it on the wet blacktop and hear the hiss of the embers being extinguished. The cigarette-butt starts washing away. There is a poem in this novel that keeps resounding in my head. Normally, I’d be able to visualize what it says, but now I can only remember the words and can’t see the dragon or the phoenix. “The dragon in a puddle is the sport of shrimps, the phoenix in a cage is mocked of small birds.” 现在感觉这种对于大英雄的幻想或成为大英雄本身已经毫无意义。这个世界上最伟大的英雄落在一群宵小手中得到了一个不光彩的结局。读这个人的一生曾给我一种希望——这种的大英雄可以震古烁今。他存在于书上、电影里、电子游戏中；但没用了。他的一生已被冲刷掉，令我倍感空虚。烟抽完了，烟头仍在发光，但已烧不出什么烟。我把它丢了，烟头着地，可以听见余烬被扑灭的嘶嘶声，烟屁股开始被冲走。这部书中的一首诗在我的脑海中回荡。 之前我可以在脑海中构建出它的画面，但现在我只记得字词，却看不到龙凤。“浅水里的龙是虾的玩物，笼子里的凤凰被小鸟嘲弄（龙游浅水遭虾戏，落坡凤凰不如鸡）。”