You can download Modern Family Scripts here
01 “Pilot”
Claire : Kids, breakfast! Kids? Phil, would you get them?
Phil : Yeah, just a sec.
Claire : Kids!
Phil : That is so…
Claire : Okay…
Phil : Kids, get down here!
Haley : Why are you guys yelling at us, when we’re way upstairs, just text me.
Claire : Alright, that’s not gonna happen, and, wow, you’re not wearing that outfit.
Haley : What’s wrong with it?
Claire : Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter… about her skirt?
Phil : Sorry? Oh yeah, that looks really cute sweetheart!
Haley : Thanks!
Claire : No, it’s way too short, people know you’re a girl, you don’t need to prove it to them.
Alex : Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.
Phil : I got it. Where’s the baby oil?
Claire : It’s on our bedside tip… I don’t know, find it. Come on!
Claire : I… was out of control growing up, there, you know, I said it. I…I, I just don’t want my kids to make the same bad mistakes i made. If Haley never would exhibit on a beach in Florida, half naked…I’ve done my job.
Phil : Our job.
Claire : Right… I’ve done our job.
Gloria : Bravo Manny! Kick it! Kick it! Manny go! No! That was a penalty!
Jay : Gloria, there Owen’s six. Let’s take it down a notch.
1
Gloria : We’re, very different. He’s from the city. He has big business. I come from a small village, very poor, but very very beautiful. It’s the number one village in North-Columbia for all the… what’s the word?
Jay : Murders.
Gloria : Yes, the murders.
Gloria : Manny, stop him! Stop him!
Boy : Dammit, Manny!
a Mom : Come on, coach! You’ve gotta take that kid out!
Gloria : You wanna take him out? How about I take you out!?
Jay : Honey, honey…
Gloria : Why don’t you worry about your son! He’s spent the first half with his hands in his pants!
Josh : I’ve wanted to tell her that for the last six weeks… I’m Josh, Ryan’s dad.
Gloria : Hi, I’m Gloria Pritchett… Manny’s mother.
Josh : Oh, this must be your dad.
Jay : Her dad? Uh, no, no, that’s funny. Actually no, I’m her husband! Don’t be fooled by the… Give me a second here.
Mitchell : Who’s the good girl? Who’s that?
Old lady : Oh, She’s adorable!
Mitchell : Oh, thank you!
Old lady : Hey precious…
Mitchell : Hello. Hi, hi. We’ve just adopted her from Vietnam and we’re bringing her home for the first time.
Man : She’s an angel. You and your wife must be thrilled!
Cameron : Sorry, sorry, sorry, Daddy needed snacks. Hi! So, what are we talking about?
Mitchell : We have been together for… five, five years now? And we’ve decided we really wanted to have a baby… so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate.
2
Cameron : Then we figured, they are already mean enough. Can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you. Ekk…
Mitchell : You saw that right? Everybody fondling up to Lillian, then you walk on… and suddenly it’s all "Huu…” I’m gonna give a speech.
Cameron : You are not giving a speech … you gonna stuck with this people for the next five hours!
Mitchell : You’re right, it’s okay, I’m sorry.
Woman : Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.
Mitchell : Okay, excuse me. Excuse me, but this baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn’t for us creampuffs … and you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this, love has no race…
Cameron : Mitchell!
Mitchell : …creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe…
Cameron : Mitchell!!
Mitchell : What?
Cameron : She’s got the creampuffs.
Mitchell : Oh!
Cameron : We would like to pay for everyone’s headsets.
[MODERN FAMILY - SEASON 1 EPISODE 1]
Phil : Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?
Luke : I thought I could get out this time.
Alex : I’m just gonna say it… he needs to be checked by a specialist.
Phil : There! Be free, Excalibur!
Haley : I’m having a friend over today.
Claire : Who?
Haley : You don’t know him.
Claire : Him… Him?
Luke : Oeh, a boy! You gonna kiss him?
Haley : Shut up!
3
Phil : Easy. Easy.
Alex : You don’t even…
Claire : Luke, Alex, why don’t you take it outside, okay?
Alex : And do what?
Phil : Fighting a son, it would be a nice change. I’m kidding!
Claire : Haley! Who’s the boy?
Haley : His name is Dylan … You know, I might as well just tell him not to come, because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.
Claire : Honey! Hang on a second, you’re fifteen, it’s the first time you’ve had a boy over. I mean I’m bound to be a little surprised, but… We’re not gonna embarrass you!
Phil : I’m better go charge the camcorder. I’m kidding! Come on! Who are you talking to?
Phil : I’m a cool dad. That’s… that’s my thang. I’m hype, I surf the web, I text. LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God, WTF, Why The Face. You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so…
Alex : MOM! DAD!
Claire : What happened?
Alex : Luke just shot me!
Luke : I didn’t mean to!
Claire : Are you okay?
Alex : No, the little bitch shot me!
Claire : Language!
Luke : They’re only plastic BBs! It was an accident!
Claire : What did I tell you what happened if you got him a gun? Deal with this!
Phil : Buddy… Uncool.
Claire : That’s it? No, no, no, the agreement was that, if he shoots someone … you shoot him.
Phil : We were serious about that?
Claire : Yes, we were and now you have to follow through.
Luke : I’m so sorry!
4
Claire : Liar. Go!
Phil : But he’s got a birthday party.
Alex : What’s more important here dad?
Claire : You can shoot him afterwards, he’ll be home at two.
Phil : I can’t shoot him at two, showing a house at two.
Alex : What about three?
Claire : No, he’s at a soccer game at three, and then… Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing in five. 4 :15, you can shoot him at 4 :15.
Phil : Yeah, I guess that works for me.
Claire : “Shoot Luke”
Phil : Sorry dude, it’s on the calendar
Luke : Oh, come on!
Manny : I’m quitting soccer, it is a game for children.
Gloria : No, you’re not quitting. You would have stopped that goal if you weren’t staring at that little girl.
Manny : She is not a girl. She is a woman.
Jay : You know Gloria, that blowup with that other mom, why do you have to do things like that?
Gloria : If someone says something about my family, I’m going to…
Jay : I’m just … saying you could take it down here a little bit, that’s all.
Gloria : Well yeah, coz’ that’s when you live down here … but I live up here!
Jay : You don’t have to be so emotional all the time, that’s all I’m saying! Manny, you’re with me on this, right?
Manny : I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.
Jay : Oh, for God’s sake.
Gloria : Honey, she’s 16.
Manny : Oh, it’s okay for you to take an older lover?
Jay : Hey! Watch it!
Manny : I want to go to the mall where she works. But first we need to get my white shirt, the silk one.
Gloria : Okay, if that’s what you really want to do.
5
Jay : Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16 year old, you’re gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants!
Manny : Stop the car!
Gloria : Where are you going? You see? You hurt his feelings.
Jay : Well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then … oh, jeez, he’s picking flowers!
Gloria : Manny is very passionate, just like his father. My first husband is very handsome but, too crazy. It seemed like all what we did was, fight and make love,
fight and make love, fight and make love. One time, I’m not kidding you, we fell out the window together.
Jay : Which one were you doing? I’m hearing this for the first time!
Mitchell : This doesn’t worry you? She barely slept in the plane, and she’s still wide awake.
Cameron : Oh, stop worrying!
Mitchell : But Cam, That orphanage, it was all women. Maybe she can’t fall asleep unless she feels a woman’s shape.
Cameron : I guess that’s possible.
Mitchell : So, here.
Cameron : What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Cameron : Yes, I’ve gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby… which has been very difficult. But, apparently you’re body does a nesting, very maternal, primal… thing, were it retains nutrients. Some sort of molecular physiology thing. But that’s science, you can’t, you can’t fight it, so…
Mitchell : I’m not saying anything.
Cameron : You’re saying everything.
Mitchell : Count to three, one, t…
Cameron : Three!
Mitchell : Okay. Oh Cam!
Cameron : Oh My God, do you love it?
6
Mitchell : Yes, I… What the hell is that?
Cameron : I had Andre do it when we we’re gone.
Mitchell : Is that us? With wings?
Cameron : We’re floating above her, always there to protect her.
Mitchell : Well, that’s reassuring, right Lily? Yeah, we tore you away from everything you know but don’t worry, things are normal here. You’re fathers are floating fairies! Can you call Andre? Have him paint something a little less… gay? By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre.
Cameron : Redheaded dad is angry daddy.
Mitchell : No I’m not.
Cameron : Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.
Mitchell : Okay, that’s another one, Pepper!
Cameron : Okay, what’s up?
Mitchell : Alright, look… I … I never told my family we were adopting a baby.
Cameron : I know.
Mitchell : You do?
Cameron : Ya, And I don’t blame you, I know your family. You tell them, they say something judgmentally.
Mitchell : Exactly!
Cameron : You get mad.
Mitchell : I know, and what’s supposed to be nothing, but joyful suddenly turns into this huge fight.
Cameron : And who wants a big emotional scene like that?
Mitchell : Thank you, I’m so relieved you understand.
Cameron : I invited them over for dinner tonight.
Mitchell : What?
Cameron : I had to! This would have gone on forever. You’re an avoider.
Mitchell : No, no! Cam, I’m calling them now, I’m cancelling.
Cameron : No, you’re not! You’re telling your family you’ve adopted a baby, tonight. And you do have avoiding issues! Even Angelo said so.
Mitchell : Are you really not hearing these things?
7
Haley : Don’t answer it, I’ll get it!
Claire : Hi! Heey, you must be Dylan.
Phil : Hey, Dylan, yeah.
Claire : I’m Haley’s mother.
Haley : Hey, come on, let’s go.
Claire : Hang on one second. Dylan… You’re still in High School?
Dylan : Yeah, I’m a senior.
Claire : Phil, sweety, honey. He is Dylan and he is a senior.
Phil : Let me meet this playa. Phil Dunphy, Jo!
Phil : It’s like that, you just start down on him and let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying : Hey, we cool! But you’re eyes are like : No, we not! Nice to meet you! No, it’s not! It’s all good? No, it’s…
Dylan : Jo.
Haley : Okay, I’ve seen two guys
Phil : Wait you two … two keep it real? You know what I mean, son?
Dylan : Not really.
Haley : Please stop.
Phil : That’s cool! Oh, God, That’s my back!
Claire : Sweetheart.
Phil : OH, oh, I slipped in the baby oil.
Phil : Ooh, whe’re you from originally? I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation.
Claire : I don’t know about this, shall I call a doctor?
Phil : No, no, no. You’re very strong homs’
Dylan : Thanks.
Phil : Okay, nice, nice soft landing. Okay, I am on my side though, so flip me right back and we’re good. We’ll be good. Just need to get flipped right on my back, and we should be fine, so.
8
Manny : Brenda Feldman.
Gloria : What is that?
Manny : A poem I’ve written for Brenda Feldman.
Jay : Of course that is.
Manny : I put my thoughts into words, and now my words into action!
Jay : Ey, I give you 50 bucks not to do this.
Manny : I’m eleven years old, what am I gonna do with money?
Jay : What are you gonna do with a sixteen year old?
Gloria : It’s like a bullfight!
Jay : Ever seen a bullfight? I can’t watch this.
Gloria : You’re in such a bad mood. And I know why, it’s because that man thought you were my father.
Jay : No.
Gloria : Yes.
Jay : No.
Gloria : When you say no like that, it’s always yes. Come on, we’re in the mall, let’s get you like some younger clothes … there’s a store there that I know…
Jay : I don’t need any younger clothes! And I don’t care what some jackass in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.
Gloria : Good, you shouldn’t. You should only care what I think. I love you, and I don’t care how old you are. So stop being a gloomygoos, and stop being so hard on Manny.
Jay : The only reason I’m hard on Manny is just because I don’t wanna see him make a fool of himself. And I can smell that hair goo of his from here!
Gloria : Look, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to him over there but you’re his family now. And that means only one thing. You be there winning his back, not to spit in his face!
Jay : What?
Gloria : Something my mom always says, it’s gorgeous in Spanish. Look, he’s there.
Manny : She has a boyfriend.
Gloria : OHH, I’m sorry, mi nino.
Manny : I gave her my heart. She gave me a picture of me as an old time sheriff. That was pretty stupid of me, wasn’t it?
9
Gloria : No mi amore, It was brave, right Jay? Brave.
Jay : I… b… you’ll know better next time. Come on! Let’s get a pretzel.
Security guard : Oh, excuse me, sir? We asked all mall-walkers to stay to the right.
Haley : Alex, get out! MOM!
Claire : Alex, leave your sister alone!
Alex : I was just getting my book, gosh!
Claire : I know sweety, but you need to respect her privacy. What are they doing up there?
Alex : Nothing, lying in her bed, watching a movie.
Claire : Okay… Okay… I’m making a cake for tonight, you wanna help me with the frosting?
Alex : Sure. So, you know if Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she has mono for a few months and then like tell everyone the baby’s yours?
Claire : What?
Alex : That senior at school was out sick for like four months, but Terna Wristniks says she was out breastfeeding in a cleanup carwash.
Phil : Buddy, what are you wearing?
Luke : Nothing.
Phil : No jacket, one hat. How many pairs of underwear do you have on?
Luke : One … Six.
Alex : First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat, and how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who’s really my nephew.
Claire : Haley is not getting pregnant!
Alex : I’m just saying if.
Claire : I know, and I know you like to make trouble for your sister but it’s not gonna work this time. You know why? 'Cause your sister is a good girl. I know, I was just like her when I was…
Phil : I want you to know, I’m not enjoying this. This is an important lesson that you’re leaning, so. It’s all good, keep it…
10
Luke : You’re too close, it’s gonna hurt.
Phil : It’s supposed to hurt!
Luke : And why are you smiling?
Phil : I’m… What? Oh, forget it. I can’t do this. The point is, you’re scared. I think you’ve learned your lesson.
Luke : Awww!
Haley : Mom?! What are you doing?
Claire : Hey, I was just dropping off some laundry, this is a bad time?
Haley : Yeah…
Claire : Oh, okay.
Haley : Can you shut the door please?
Claire : Actually we’re just gonna go ahead and leave that open.
Haley : Why?
Claire : Because I have seen this little show before : Lying on the bed with a tall, senior. One minute you’re just friends, watching Falcon Crest, and the next you’re lying underneath the air-hockey table with your bra un-pocket!
Haley : Mom!
Luke : You hit my bone!
Phil : It was an accident!
Luke : I thought we were friends!
Phil : I am your friend!
Haley : Dad?! Dad, you have got to talk to mom, she is like completely freaking out and embarrassing me.
Phil : Well, honey, you’re mom isn’t always as cool about things as I… What is with this thing!
Mitchell : My dad, ehm, my dad isn’t completely comfortable with this, ehm, he still does this thing. It’s been five years now. And he still does this thing where he announces himself before walking into any room were in. Just to make sure he doesn’t have to ever see us kiss.
Cameron : Wish my mother had that system. Remember?
11
Mitchell : Not now.
Mitchell : I still can’t believe you did this to me!
Cameron : Would you get in the spirit of things! It’s a celebration!
Mitchell : Oh God.
Cameron : Okay, I’m gonna go get Lily ready and I want you to just come straight out with it,
Mitchell : Alright.
Cameron : You can do this! Sports guy-chest-bump,
Mitchell : No.
Cameron : Sports guy-chest-bump!
Mitchell : Cam. Do it, GO!
Mitchell : Heey, how are you? Hi guys! Well thank you, thanks.
Claire : Oh don’t thank us open it, dad is coming right behind.
Jay : Knock, knock, we’re here! Coming in!
Mitchell : Don’t worry dad, nothing gay going on here. May I take you’re multicolored coat and you’re bejeweled cap?
Jay : Yeah.
Phil : Hey Jay.
Claire : Gloria, hi! How are you?
Phil : Hi Gloria, how are you? What a beautiful dress!
Gloria : Thank you, Phil! Oh, Okay.
Claire : Phil! She said Phil, not feel!
Jay : So how was your trip?
Mitchell : It was good, it was good actually but…about that I have something that I need to tell you guys. We didn’t just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We, kinda have some big news.
Jay : Oh, God, if Cam comes out here with boobs, I’m leaving!
Claire : Dad!
Haley : I hope he didn’t embarrass you, mom.
12
Claire : Don’t mind her, Haley had her first boy over today, and Phil shot him.
Mitchell : Anyway, so about a year ago. Cam and I sort of feeling this longing for something more…like, maybe a baby.
Jay : Woooh, that’s a bad idea.
Mitchell : What do you mean bad idea?
Jay : Well, kids need a mother! I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog!
Mitchell : We’re not bored, dad!
Gloria : I support you Mitchell, and though you’re not my son
Claire : I, I think what dad is trying to say is, that, Mitchell you’re a little uptight, kids bring chaos and you don’t handle well.
Mitchell : Oh, That’s not what dad is saying. That’s what you’re saying. And it’s insulting in a whole different way.
Phil : Okay, people, let’s all chillax!
Alex : Hey! Where’s Uncle Cameron?
Mitchell : Finally, thank you, someone who’s not insulting me, notices he’s not here.
Jay : Oh! So, that’s the big announcement. You two broke up. Well a baby wasn’t gonna help that anyway! And you know? Let me tell you, you’ll be better off, because he was a bit of a drama queen.
Mitchell : No, no, no! Stop, stop! You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend who by the way is not that dramatic! We’ve adopted a baby. Her name is Lily.
Cameron : Exciting!
Mitchell : Just turn it off.
Cameron : I can’t turn it off, it’s who I am!
Mitchell : The music!
Cameron : Oh, yes, the music. Come, say hello Lily.
Haley : Oh, she’s so cute!
Phil : Let me see her. Hi Lily. Lily? Isn’t that gonna be hard for her to say? No?
Jay : Excuse me… Okay, I, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. But… What do I know? I mean, it’s not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I’ve been trying all my life to get it right, I’m still screwing up. Right, Manny?
Manny : I wrote a song about it in the car.
13
Jay : Of course you did. Anyway, I’m happy for you! And you should know that… I’m not here to spit in your face, I’m here to blow at your back. It’s supposed to sound better in Spanish. Anyhow, Mitch…
Mitchell : No, dad, it’s… I got it, I got it.
Claire : She wants her daddy.
Mitchell : Do you wanna meet grandpa?
Jay : You’re kidding? She’s one of us now, Let me see that little pot sticker! Eey, you’re a cutie, aren’t you!
Jay : We’re from different worlds. Yet we somehow fit together. Love is what’s binds us. Through fair, or stormy weather. I stand before you now with only one agenda to let you know my heart is yours. Feldman, coma, Brenda I mean seriously!
Phil : Luke, so far, he hasn’t beaten me at basketball.
Phil : It’s 2-0. Get that! Will you step out of my kitchen! Could you just do me a favor and just grab… How’s the weather down there?
Phil : But, when the day comes that he does win, if, you know, if when…he beats me. I’m just gonna be like, “well done! Well done!” Just let him, just support him. In that kind of stuff. I’m probably just wanna go like, 2 out of 3, and just see what happens there, but.